Slipping ...
I was in a meeting yesterday with my boss, my technical advisor, a SGM and my organization's MD/CEO and I was almost horribly wrong about a rough calculation I made and shared with them. When I recalculated again in my head I was almost off by about 9%, which would have been disastrous coz it would not have met the minimum threshold that they deliberated and decided on thanks to my advice. I would have inadvertently caused my company to lose money. Damn. I panicked inside. I tried to calm myself and got distracted during the meeting. I couldn't do anything to stop the growing distress within me. I always knew I would slip up; but I never thought it would go that horribly wrong. Darn. Being wrong is one thing but to actually make the company lose a hell lot of money in the process is bloody scary. I was so terrified that I made up my mind right then and there that if my calculation was indeed that faulty; I would confess the entire truth to my MD/CEO. And pray that I don't get fired.
After the meeting, I walked back to my table, calmed myself as best I could and started my calculations again; this time very slowly and very carefully. I checked and rechecked my calculations and whooped with delight ... Thank GOD, it was definitely a miracle ... I was only off by 3% from my rough estimate which was still within the threshold they wanted. YES!! My job was still safe. I didn't have to see my MD and actually admit my failings in simple math. What a relief. But I'm still in minor shock. I used to thrive in stressful situations but right now I'm slipping. I'm beginning to make mistakes. Simple mistakes at first but now they're getting bigger and bigger. This was indeed a wake-up call. I have to learn to focus to one thing at a time. I'm a little scatter-brained these past couple of months. Wasn't this bad when I was dealing with smaller projects no matter how many they were. But now being involved in 2 major projects that require many re-workings while supporting other smaller projects are beginning to make me slip. I need to fix this situation and myself before it gets any worse. It'll be disastrous not only to me but also to my company if I don't. Now if only I knew how ... hmm ...
Taxes
Dang ... it's tax month again. All that calculating kinda hurts my head. I can pay for the whole sum in 1 go but the economist being trained in me makes me think about the time value of money ... which simply means the value of money decreases with time. Hence, if you can avoid paying one lump sum and no escalation is applied to the tax amount you have to pay if you can pay it gradually then so much the better. That and I've been advised by one of the best petroleum economist about how to deal with my tax issues. Hmm, if top level management listens to him on project economics, then I know it's prudent for me to do the same with my taxes :)
On a happier note, my guy's coming back tomorrow. Two weeks being out of contact with him kinda makes me miss him. I want pampering, I like being "layan" when I feel mushy. To just pick up the phone and hear his voice. He'd probably gag reading this but so what. I can just stick my tongue out at him later. Distance and no phone reception does make the heart grow fonder ;p
Letting it out ...
Went for coffee with a colleague ... and just started talking about what ticked us off. Summed it all up in one phrase ... "Know it alls who are actually ignorant but trying to be important" That included management, daft people and our very own 'dear' colleagues too. For people like us who are usually oblivious to annoyances, those that we talked about pretty much would have made your skin crawl.
Nosing around a bit and discovered that some friends who had happy relationships before and kinda rubbed it in my face when I had no one are now on their own. I'm not going to rub it in coz God knows I still remember how bad it felt before ... the finality of it all. I wouldn't wish that fate on my worst enemy. Things do get better and once you find the right one, the past just don't matter anymore. In fact, you'll be glad that the past relationship ended coz you wouldn't have been as happy as you are now with yourself and with your right love. Just remember not to rub it in another lonely person's face ... karma can bite you right back in the ass when you least expect it ... nuff said
I've finally made peace with my past. It took me awhile but I'm finally able to just let the past go. I can finally see all the blessings around me now and boy, it really feels good to embrace fate and life.
--- Saturday 14th April 2007 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gosh, I do sound like a grumpy grandma don't I? Well, on a happier note, looking around Friendster and saw that many of my friends have gotten married and sporting their babies' pictures in their pages. Gosh, they're so cute. Almost makes me wanna get on the marriage wagon too. Almost. I don't think I'll make a good wife yet; let alone a good mum. The idea of accidentally screwing up someone's life especially a little helpless baby scares me to death. I'm looking at my married friends and their babies and gosh do I feel ancient ... then I look at my single friends having the time of their lives and I snap back into reality. My life is good. I have what I need for the moment. Babies? Hmm, maybe a few more years. I don't feel the great urge to be responsible for another human being other than myself yet. To be frank, I really don't have any idea where my life is heading now. I'm on a smooth ride at the moment. I haven't mapped out my destination yet. Sure, I have a great guy, a good job, a car, a coming condo ... yet they're what I need to keep this "car" going. It's where I'm going that I need to work out. Generally, I do know where I'm heading; starting a family, getting promoted etc, but no specifics yet. Feels like I'm still drifting along in my life. Can anyone tell me how to get me started in mapping up my life?
The Uncomfortable Question
I was chatting online with an old friend and before any greetings, he dived right into the question that possibly everyone in anonymous chat rooms would ask ... "Have you had sex?" Do I give off some vibe that says "Please ask whatever you want especially on sex" I get asked that question a lot. I wonder why? I may be open-minded but I still get a little red in the face when I'm asked that point blank. I've got very "helpful" offers from friends who would like to help me enjoy this physical activity minus the proverbial strings. Forgive me if I'm wrong but I thought sex was more than just physical ... it's supposed to be a union on all levels: physical, emotional and mental to really be enjoyed? How can you have sex and not have any attached strings? I think I prefer the other term better; to make love. Sounds a little better. Well, managed to get out of that sticky question by redirecting the focus onto him instead. It's nice to know that when we can get guys to talk about themselves; they kinda forget what they wanted in the first place :) Anyway, I like the strings ... I prefer the reciprocal of the no strings attached relationship; the "no sex just strings attached relationship"
I've also got an unflattering remark made about me right to my face by a female colleague; one about it shouldn't be a problem for me to take another woman's boyfriend. She was trying to make it sound like I'm some kind of a guy magnet but somehow all I'm hearing is I'm a bitch who wouldn't give a hoot about another woman's feelings. Hey, I care ok? FYI, I've never knowingly taken anyone's boyfriends. My ex boyfriends are the ones taken by other women. If it's not true love, why stress about it? I willingly let go anyway. You've got to create your own happiness first. I'm not indifferent; I'm practical.
Why is it that when a woman is slightly confident that people think they're bitches? We're just women who love ourselves and know what we want. If that comes off as ball-busting to you, then you never had balls in the first place ... dedicated to both genders of the insensitive pricks out there
